About a Girl
by BCwugsey
Summary: Some people call me a disaster magnet. Bizarre things just seem to glom onto me. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Really, it wasn't. To fully grasp the concept of my misfortune, I think I may have to start at the beginning… B/E and supporting cast AH


**Ok so this is my first attempt at a Twilight fanfiction. I have read a bunch, and, though they are all really amazing, I felt like I was in an angstfest. So this fanfiction will be more on the humorous side. I got the plot loosely from this show that used to come on a few years ago called About a Girl. This is more of an introductory chapter to set the layout of what happened before the story begins. Some of the characters may be a little different than in the series, but isn't that why they call it fanFICTION? lol Well, here goes nothing…**

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, nor its characters, nor do I own About a girl

About a Pilot

Ok, so some people call me a disaster magnet. Bizarre things just seem to glom onto me. But I prefer the term 'crisis masseuse'. I work the kinks out. But as some masseuses will tell you, some kinks are harder to rub out then others, like the one I seem to have gotten myself in. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Really, it wasn't. To fully grasp the concept of my misfortune, I think I may have to start at the beginning…

A few days earlier…

I have never felt so happy in my life. Today was literally the start of a brand new era for me. I, Isabella Marie Swan, was heading out to start my Sophomore year at college. Now I know most people would think that Freshman year was their time to start fresh and new but let's just say that mine didn't go well for a number of reasons. I planned to disregard that year as an extension of high school, a year that was not to be spoken of unless for life or death situations (and even then I may have to give it deep thought before speaking). No, sophomore year was going to be my year. I go to a great college at least a thousand miles away from my deranged parents. I deeply love them, but last year my father Charlie decided to surprise me and decorate my dorm room with my Fuzzy Wuzzy collection. Really? Come on. Am I supposed to say, 'Hey Bob, I know your pecker is inside of me at the moment but I would really like to introduce you to Mr. Winkles. He makes great tea.' Talk about the cock block of the century. Secretly, I think Charlie knew what he was doing.

I pack my bags and load my car, getting ready to make the long trip from Washington to California. My mother Renee, whom I've deemed Crazy Lady (only in my head, of course) flew out from Phoenix or Jacksonville or wherever the hell she was staying these days to where I live with Charlie during my holiday to see me off to school and make sure she gets her quality "mother-daughter" time in. My parents, who are divorced, are as different as night and day. Oil and water. Pickles and ice cream. Good separate, but a complete and utter train wreck when meshed together. Charlie was a man of few words, and also extremely conservative. Like 1800s conservative. Like wearing shorts above the knee is a little too risqué. Yeah I know, but I love him anyways. Crazy Lady, on the other side of the ball park, was extremely… open and carefree and, well, crazy. Like wanting to hear about college sexcapades open, and even sharing a few of her own stories. How and why they got together, I will never know.

"I am going to miss you so much sweetheart! Please just stay with me?" Crazy Lady says to me.

"Yeah mom, and miss out on all the college fun?"

"You know, it's normal to experiment Isabella. When I was in college, I had my fun: drunken parties, a different guy every few nights, and maybe even a girl or two."

"Blah blah blah blah I'm not listening!" I screamed. I should be used to it by now, but as far as I am concerned my parents didn't have sex. At all. I was brought here by good old Mr. Stork.

"Do you know the mental images you put into my head with these stories?" I asked. She just grinned. Ugh. Everything is a joke to this woman. "And anyways, I think Dad tried to make sure I didn't get any when he decorated my dorm room. Fuzzy Wuzzy, remember?"

"Your dad could be such a buzz kill sometimes. But I hope you are being safe. I am too young and too hot to be anybody's grandmother yet. When I was in school I used to do this trick and all the boys used to go crazy for it. I used to-"

"Mom please! Enough with the sex talk okay? I don't like to picture my mother doing anything remotely sexual. Its quite disturbing you know?" _Note to self: Never under any circumstances think of the terms mom and sex in the same sentence or face the consequences of disturbing images._ Like that will help. Most times with Crazy Lady, I felt like I was the grown up and she was the nineteen year old daughter. "And aren't mothers supposed to tell their daughters to wait until they are married or in love or whatever?"

"You are so funny Isabella. I wouldn't be the woman you know and love if I told you stuff like that." She is right. She is a different type of mom, and I think I love her all the more because of her individuality, but sometimes, she could take it a little too far. "And while we are on the subject, you haven't talked about any boys since you've been at school. Are you…" oh god, please don't say it "gay? Are you into girls sweetheart?"

"Mom!" F. My. Life.

"What? No judgment sweetheart. You know I will love you all the same. We could even tell Charlie together! I always knew-"

"Mom stop. I like boys. It's just," I sigh and take a deep breath, "I haven't found anybody special enough yet. I haven't found that guy who makes me melt inside with just one simple look. I haven't found that guy who makes my heart race every time he is near, a guy who I look forward to seeing every day." Gosh I am such a romantic.

"Wow Bells, you are pretty corny. And unrealistic. But it's cute none the less." I give Crazy Lady a shocked look and toss a shirt at her. She grins and sticks her tongue at me as we continue to pack my things and load my car. Gosh, I love my mom so much. She is crazy, but she means the world to me. She is a true beauty, even at her age, with honey brown hair and remarkable blue eyes. We look nothing alike, as I favor Charlie, with dark brown hair and eyes. As we continue to pack my bags and load my car, Charlie arrives home from his work as Forks Washington police chief. Go on with your bad self Charlie; protect all 7 people in this town.

"Hey hun, you almost all packed up and ready to go?" Charlie says.

"Yea just a few more things and I am off to Californ-i-a. I'm not looking forward to this drive though. I can't believe you are making me stop twice before I get there! You're just elongating the torture Dad."

"Well, if you would have just picked a college here in Washington, or if you would have flown out like I wanted yo-"

"Why are you driving again Bells? Isn't that car a little too old to be driving that far of a distance anyways?" Crazy Lady interrupted. I could see the frustrated look Charlie was giving off from the corner of my eye. Even though the two of them didn't speak much, they still annoyed the hell out of each other. "And to answer your question Charlie, she didn't pick a local college because this is the most boring place on earth."

"It wasn't a _question_, Renee."

"Whatever."

"Guys please, you are acting like two year olds! And I am driving mom, because it was hell not having a car. Plus, only freshman don't have cars. Since I am not a freshman anymore, I need my car. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with my car. She loves me so we will make it."

"Great logic Isabella," Crazy Lady said, to which I just rolled my eyes.

"Aren't you excited for your Sophomore Year?" Charlie said. My face lit up at this question. Yes, the term Sophomore Year meant a number of things to me:

1. One Year closer to graduating and fulfilling my life's ambition.

2. Getting away from psycho parents and boring small towns.

3. And most importantly: No Roommate!

And I stress the NO ROOMMATE to the fullest extent. If you have ever had a sex-crazed, party animal roommate who brings guys in at two in the morning, then I think you feel my pain. To this day, I still shudder at the memories.

All packed up and ready to leave the nest, I make my way to my car. All of a sudden, I hear frantic footsteps from behind me.

"Isabella! Isabella sweetie don't leave yet! You forgot your dressy dress! A girl never knows when she will have to dress up for a special occasion!" Damn you Crazy Lady.

"I thought leaving the dress was the special occasion," I mutter under my breath. Honestly, does my mom think I am still six? I've never seen so many frillies in one dress. And on top of that it was pink. Hot pink. Ugh. Crazy Lady just created a new form of birth control by making me take that dress.

"You also forgot Mr. Winkles! You love him Isabella!" Charlie said. Oh my goodness! Remind me please, am I going off to college or to kindergarten? I looked at Mr. Winkles. He looked so sad and was giving that look of, 'Please don't leave me here with Charlie!' I guess I will take him. Only to save him from Charlie of course.

So with Mr. Winkles and pink frilly dress in tow, me and Charlie made our way to my car. Where the hell is Crazy Lady?

"Call me on my cell phone anytime you need me," Oh. There she is, "I am available at all hours. In fact, let me know when you get there. Have an R.A. escort you to your dorm room. Oh and did you pee sweetie?" My mom said while making her way down the porch steps to catch up with us.

"Renee! She's a grown woman," Charlie said, trying to defend me.

"What I don't understand is how we can go from talking about the guys I'm sleeping with to asking me if I have to pee before I hit the road in a matter of minutes. It's like one extreme to another." Crazy Lady was truly remarkable in that sense. It's like she has split personalities. I could see the awkwardness etched in Charlie's face after my statement. Like you said Charlie, I'm a grown woman.

"Sorry sweetheart."

"That's quite alright but-" I start, but once again I am interrupted by Crazy Lady.

"I packed your lunch and dinner right here," she said handing me a container of food. "Have fun, be safe, and remember, glove it up if you are going to have sex," she said before grabbing me for a death gripping hug. She says it so casual like it was a normal thing a mother said to her daughter before leaving for college. Well, she's not exactly _normal _so I guess I will cut her some slack.

"Um, Crazy Lady…" did I let that slip? Well at least it got her to let go. I know I might sound shallow, but my mom can be a little over emotional and eccentric at times.

"Renee, you shouldn't be saying things like that to her!" Says Charlie.

"Oh come on! You and I both are too good looking to be grandparents." Did I just see Charlie look Crazy Lady up and down in sexual manner?

"Ok that is my queue to leave." I get in the car, about to drive off to freedom from crazy parents who give me horrid mental images. "Bye Dad! I love you so much. Bye… Where's mom?" I look around to wave bye to Crazy Lady one last time only to notice she wasn't anywhere to be found. What the-! "Mom get out of the car!" Now see my reasoning for the name?

"I love you," she said, hugging me again. "And watch your speed. This car doesn't look like it could handle too much activity," she added before getting out of the car.

"I love you too, mom," I say before finally taking off. I could already see it; Sophomore year of college was going to be fantastic…

...

As I drive the long trip, I can't help but think about my freshman year of college, which is a bad thing. A very bad thing. Driving down this long boring highway with no type of scenery whatsoever, my mind floats back to a very vivid memory of why I hated my freshman year so much:

_Flashback: Freshman Year_

"_Isaaabelllllaaaa w-were you sleeping?"_

"_Um… YES! It's one o'clock in the morning, I have a very important midterm tomorrow, you're completely wasted, an-"_

"_Oof!"_

"_Tanya are you okay?"_

"_Yes, I'm fine!"_

"_What the, do you have a guy in here? Tanya that's so-"_

"_W-we promise to be REALLY q-quiet! Here, I will even p-put the blanket over us!"_

"_Kill me now…"_

"_Really? I-Isabella don't y-you th-think that's a litt-"_

"_No, I'm not serious! I'm going to sleep in the hall. Have fun Tanya and nameless guy who will be leaving out of the room in the next five minutes because he looks like a quickie!"_

"_We will thanks!"_

"_O Gosh…"_

_End Flashback_

Yes my first year of college was one to put in the books. But this year is going different. This year is going to be a roommate free, quiet, me myself and I year. No distractions. Nothing.

Oh my gosh.

I just realized I have to pee. Really bad. And there is nothing around for miles. Maybe Crazy Lady isn't so crazy after all…

...

"I thought you were supposed to love me baby!" My luck just keeps getting better and better (sarcasm!). I'm not one for superstitions but I know this cannot be a good omen. I am less than two measly miles away from school and my car decides to just break down on me. I get out of the car and slam the door, only to have the other passenger door falls off. Great. Why did Crazy Lady have to be right about this car? I think it gives a new meaning to the term 'Hunk of Junk'.

I guess my love for my car wasn't enough to get me there. To top it off, I know nothing about cars. Maybe I should take up mechanics. Open my own garage shop and have hot sweaty guys working on the cars. I could see it now. I might have to keep Crazy Lady away, though. _Wait, focus Isabella. You need to get to school. Do you really want another sex-crazed roommate this year? _No, I don't. Thanks self, I needed that.

So, after the car catastrophe, here I am, carrying, or rather dragging my stuff the rest of the two miles. And surprisingly, I don't feel so bad because my eye is on the prize: The paradise of having a single room for my Sophomore Year. I think the whole car experience was the bad experience that is going to set up a great Sophomore Year. Hopefully.

I make my way up the stairs leading to the college dorms, dragging my luggage with a very positive attitude.

"I'm sorry I'm late. I-I was having trouble with my car," I say to the R.A.

"We're really crowded this year. You got the last single dorm on the campus." See! I knew it! Last single on campus.

"Wow. How did I manage to get so lucky?" All I could think of was not having a roommate. And trust me, it was a very good thought. We walked quite a ways down the hallway until we got to room 293.

"Well here you are," he says while opening the door. The anticipation is killing me. This was my room, all my own. No sleazy roommates, just Isabella Swan. I walk into my room with a big smile on my face. The smile faltered, however, when I looked around my room.

The room looked like it had a diameter of about two feet. There wasn't a desk or even a closet. What kind of room doesn't have a closet? Oh, but it gets worse. The window had a very raggedy blanket covering it. The bed looked smaller than a twin size and had a big stain on it that oddly resembled pee. And to top it off, there was a big hole in the ceiling! This could not be happening! This was supposed to be my dream room. I feel like I was just lead to an old storage closet! Actually, I think a storage closet is better than this.

"Is that a bathroom?" Yes, there was a bathroom on top of my room. Gross.

"Look! It's a girl! And a good looking one at that." I hear two very unattractive boys say through the hole in my ceiling. "We are going to get laid this year!" I turn to the R.A. and try to put on a very mean, intimidating face.

"We could try and get your deposit back from housing if you're not so crazy about the room," the R.A. said to me. Is he serious?

"No I got to say: Not so crazy about the room!" I say before storming out of this.. I don't even know what to call it! This could not be happening to me! Ugh. I really didn't want to go where I was on my way to but I knew I had no other choice. It was either that or sleep in this room. I just hope Ice Bitch isn't there…

...

"Maybe you could pretend its sky light," my best friend Alice says while brushing her short brown hair. Everything about her was short. From her height to her clothes.

"Yeah, a skylight that drips urine. Who wouldn't want that? Hmm let me think about it… anyone!"

"Look maybe you could stay here at the sorority with us for a while." Yeah. Like I really want to stay at the Zeta Beta Zeta Sorority House. Images of pee-stained beds pop into my head… The sorority house sounds real good right about now. "I still think you should have pledged," Alice continued.

"Me? A member of this Sorority?" Was she serious? Realization creeps upon Alice's face. Yeah. That's what I thought. "Well if I could crash here until I find a place to stay th-"

"That would be brilliant! I'll talk to Rosalie about it." Wait a second..

"Rosalie? Rosalie, as in rush chair that I called a judgmental Ice-Bitch?" There was a grey cloud over my head at this point. She was in charge of the sorority now.

"Yeah, that's the one. We all thought that was pretty funny, especially Heather."

"I always liked Heather…"

"Yeah. It's her room that's available." Images of my dorm slowly crept back into my head again. O Gosh. This was definitely not good. I honestly don't know what is worse: picturing myself in that dorm room or the mental images of Crazy Lady's sex stories.

"Well I guess it's worth a try…"

"Ok let's go find Rosalie!" Alice says in her shrilly voice. I swear, a voice that loud should be able to come out of something so little. We eventually find Ice Bitch, and Alice asks her about letting me stay in the room temporarily. I put on the fakest, nicest smile I could muster up while being in the presence of someone so vile.

"As house habitat chair, I do have the key to the one available room," said Rosalie with fake cheeriness. Everything about this girl was fake. From her fake blonde hair, to her fake boobs, to her fake nose and countless other fake things on her fake body.

She led Alice and me to the one available room. As she led us inside, I think I heard choir tunes. It was perfect. Everything I've ever wanted in a room. It was spacious and clean, with absolutely no signs of holes in the ceiling or pee-stained beds.

"It's gorgeous…" I say in complete awe.

"Isn't it just? I'm glad you like it." Maybe Rosalie wasn't so bad after all. She seemed kind of nice.

"I love it. Really, it's amazing."

"It's a shame our rooms are for Zeta Sisters only. And you know how judgmental I am."

"Y-you weren't offended by the Ice-Bitch part?" Oh shit.

"Get out. And don't touch anything," she said as if I would contaminate anything I lay my hands on.

"You're right, she is an Ice Bitch," said Alice _after _Rosalie walked away. Thanks for the support best friend.

"Well I guess I'm off to go look for places to stay." I hate college. I hate dorms. I hate Ice Bitches. Where is Crazy Lady and Charlie when I need them?

...

Let's just say my hunt for a room didn't go so well. I searched for nearly five hours and found nothing remotely livable. And to top it off, somebody already took the room from hell, so that wasn't even an option either. I wanted to cry. Just break down and cry. At this rate, my sophomore year was doomed to be worse than my freshman year. I didn't even think that was humanly possible. A tear slid down my face, and I quickly brushed it away. People were walking pass, and even though I didn't know any of them, I still didn't want them to think I was some big baby. Some big baby who wanted nothing more than to cuddle with Mr. Winkles. So what did I do? I grabbed him and held him close. And cried. I didn't care anymore about what people thought. This was the worst thing that could possibly happen. I wanted to see Charlie, to see Crazy Lady. Maybe they could tell me what to do in this situation.

"Hey are you okay?" I hear a voice say. Holy Hottie Patottie. I look up and see one of the hottest guys I've seen at school staring me in the face, concern etched in his features. He had tan, beautiful skin, and dark brown gorgeous eyes. I almost melted on the spot. Now, I could play this two ways: say nothing is wrong, and let this Armani looking model pass me by, or I could play the damsel in distress. I was never one to play dumb or desperate for a man but what would Crazy Lady say if I passed up a man that looked this good?

"I'm just not having a very good day," I say, trying to avoid eye contact with this very delectable man.

"Care to tell me about it?" I look up at him, and he genuinely looks concerned. Weird. I thought all guys this hot were douche bags. I wonder how long it's going to take him to try and get into my pants. "I'm Jacob by the way." Oh, so Hottie Patottie has a name. He held out his hand for me to shake. I took it and couldn't help but noticed how warm his hand felt in mine.

"I'm Isabella," I respond, taken aback by his kindness. And his lack libido. Maybe there are still some good guys out there.

"Well care to tell me about your horrible day, Isabella?" So what did I do? I told him. Everything. Even my unmentionable freshman year. And he listened. Really listened.

"So now I'm here. With my luggage in tow and Mr. Winkles by my side," I finished up. A smile crept on his sexy face, like he was devising a plan. If the plan included me plus him minus clothes, I think I would be happy to oblige.

"Well I live with three other guys off campus, and our other roommate just recently moved out to travel with his band, so we have an open room if you would be interested…"

"Oh well I will come check it out." That's what I said. But on the inside I was screaming Yes! Yes! Yes! Now living with four guys isn't really what I had envisioned for my Sophomore year, but if I was going to be able to be under the same roof as Hottie Patottie then it was worth at least checking it out. Oh gosh, I was turning into Crazy Lady.

"Well right this way. And let me give you a hand with your bags." He was hot and he was polite? Man, I hope he is not gay, because this is too good to be true.

"Thanks so much for this," I said smiling genuinely for the first time today. Hottie Patottie smiled a million watt smile at me. I think I almost wet myself.

"No problem. Now come on, it's right up the way," Hottie Patottie say as he strides in front of me. Man, he has a nice ass. Oh goodness Isabella, quit staring at his ass! But it looks so nice and firm and "Isabella are you coming?" I look up. Hottie Patottie just caught me staring daggars at his ass.

Good going Isabella. Now he is going to think you are a perv. I continue following him as if nothing happened. I am not going to let my Crazy Lady genes make me homeless. Head up, chin out.

But it's such a nice ass...

...

"Thank you guys so much for letting me stay here. It really beats being homeless," I say to three of my four roommates. The other two that I've met are named Jasper and Emmett. I think they have a 'hot guy only' rule in this house. Nothing less than a six pack allowed.

"The pleasure is all ours, trust me," said my new roomie Emmett. He was the biggest of them all, and looked very athletic. He is a junior and played for the college football team. Emmett is very attractive, with curly brown hair and blue eyes.

"Yes it is. I think this is going to be a fun year," Jasper, my other new roommate said. He is (of course) cute, with blonde hair and blue eyes. He is a junior like Emmett, and carries a very positive energy. "But first things first things first, we have to do something about your name." What the hell?

"My name? What's wrong with my name?" I said completely confused.

"Is-a-bell-a. It's too long. Too many syllables," said Hottie Patottie. Was he serious?

"Yeah we have a rule that your name has to be two syllables or less, or else it's just a waste of breath," added Emmett.

"You know that just sounds down right lazy. And stupid." I feel like I just agreed to live in a mental asylum.

"Well our last roommates name was Paul. That's only one syllable. Three less than yours," said Hottie Patottie. Damn, I'm living with a bunch of geniuses.

"How about Isa?" Says Jasper.

"Ew no."

"Izzy?"

"Bells?"

"No, no, no! I don't want a nickna-"

"How about Bella?" I look up to the sound of a strange voice entering. I think I just saw a Greek God walk into the kitchen. It must be a figment of my imagination because something that beautiful doesn't exist.

"Isabella, this is our other roommate Edward," Hottie Patottie said. Edward smiles at me.

I don't take my eyes off of Mr. Greek God. "It's Bella." Oh gosh. I better keep Crazy Lady away from my new house.


End file.
